There are no easy answers, no guaranteed solutions. In researching websites, I found one in which the site's author guaranteed that if you would buy his book, and follow it exactly, you could keep your spouse (or partner, he added) from getting a divorce or leaving you whether they wanted to or not. That is foolishness! Obviously, I didn't list his site below. The fact is, marriage is not easy, even for dedicated married lovers. It takes commitment, and a realization that even in the best marriages, there will be bumps and arguments. However, if both husband and wife are committed to each other, and to the marriage, most likely, it will succeed. Around about 4 years into our marriage, my wife and I hit a snag. Our relationship had hit a bump. However, we decided to reacquaint ourselves with why we fell in love, I took a week's leave from the Air Force, we spent the time together. We still have debates (otherwise known as arguments) on occasion, but we have learned that the world doesn't come to an end because we disagreed and argued.

Speaking of arguments (oops, I meant "debates"), we agreed from the beginning NEVER to go to bed at night angry. If we could not resolve the disagreement or source of anger, we apologized to each other for fighting. The anger was NOT to be slept on. Inevitably, it will still be there in the morning, and will continue until it is resolved. Some were never really resolved, except to agree to disagree, and let it go.

God tells us to "forgive and forget". He is the master example. For the most part, we never dug up old issues to use as a battering ram or club. When forgiven, issues are to be forgotten, as much as is humanly possible. Battering rams and clubs are weapons of assault, tear everything up, and destroy. They belittle and kill. Battering rams and clubs NEVER bring healing or resolve issues. They are tools of anger and hatred. We used the analogy of building a mountain of love so big it could never be torn down. We tried desperately to never argue with verbal weapons. We knew that every argument pulled something from our mountain of love. We also knew that there would be no end to working on our mountain: it would be a lifetime project. We are still building. But, we also know that wrong actions and betrayal can remove a very large chunk of that love.

Happy marriages are built on mutual respect. Scriptures give guidance on this matter, but are often misinterpreted to mean the wife must respect and obey her husband, but he is free of reciprocal responsibility. We joke often:
"I am head of the house, but she is the neck and the neck turns the head!"
"I am head of the house, and I have my wife's permission to say so."
"Honey, you always do what I say, just as long as it is what you want to do, anyway."
I don't mind the jokes. I tell them myself with joy. My wife respects me. I AM the head of the house. There is no doubt in either of our minds about that. However, I am not the BOSS, and do not want to be. God gave me a beautiful, intelligent partner to share my life with. She has talents, gifts, wisdom, abilities, and insight that I do not possess. I would be a fool to ignore the great gift He has given me in Janice Lorena Haven Fenton. I would not be whole without her. Knowing this, I treasure every opinion she gives, whether I agree with it (I often don't) or like it (I often don't) or not. But, she is important to me. What she thinks matters to me. The result is, she returns the valuing by treasuring my opinions, whether she likes or agrees with them or not. Knowing this, there is seldom any conflict over differing opinions. My wife has followed me for 35 years, through military service, the completion of each of our educational degrees, my seminary training, pastorates and life. She has been a partner and help-meet in the most Biblical standard. She told me several years ago, that I could retire wherever I wanted, but she was retiring in Cincinnati (near our two grown children and grandchildren). I told her I didn't care where I retired as long as it was with her. Sure, sweet! But it is true, because 36+ years of respect has made us more than lovers, it has made us inseparable friends.

Speaking of friendship: it is more important to a successful and happy marriage than anything else. She is my best friend. No other rivals can come close. I have several pastor friends with whom I enjoy meeting and eating. I love pastoring. I love my kids and grandkids. But, and they all know this, including the last 6 churches I pastored, no one will come between my wife and I. She is number one. No one, NO ONE is more important to me than she is. And SHE knows it. I make sure she knows it. I tell her, and I show her. (Ask her, if you doubt she knows it.) Don't nominate me for any special award. It is just what a person does for their best friend. If they don't, then they are not their best friend. The result, again, is reciprocal. I am her best friend. She tells me, and shows me. We can share our dreams, hopes, anxieties, angers and fears without fear of betrayal or laughter. Friendship! More highly rated than whatever comes second!

There are many ways to betray someone who trusts in you. Infidelity to the marriage vows of exclusiveness is only one way. Talking negatively about your spouse to another person behind their backs (or even in front of them, for that matter), breaking confidences, hurtful words spoken in anger, jealousy and suspicion, failure to defend them when they are verbally (and certainly, physically) attacked, making them the object of stereotypical jokes, are some of the most common types of betrayal. I have actually heard every one of these done by someone else during my married life. I was appalled! I don't find mother-in-law jokes funny when told about a specific mother-in-law. I had a lovely mother-in-law, but that is not the reason I don't like the jokes. I don't like the jokes because they are an attack on someone dear to the tellers spouse. It is rude and uncalled for. It is unloving, unkind, inconsiderate, and just plainly un-Christian! Neither my mother, nor my mother-in-law were perfect. Neither am I. Neither is anyone other than Jesus Christ Himself. Marriage calls for mutual respect for those who matter to your spouse. Christian marriage calls for an even higher standard of conduct. Among the leading causes of marital distress and eventually divorce, family conflict between one spouse and the other spouses family ranks high. Sex, finances (how to spend it and who it belongs to), children (how and how not to raise them) are other areas of concern. Marriage is a partnership that demands respect (already discussed) and betrayal is at the highest level of disrespect. If you want to have a happy and successful marriage, leave the crude jokes in the garbage where they belong. Your spouse is more important to you than making your buddies think you are cool and funny.

Nothing in your marriage will help more than inviting Jesus Christ to your wedding and into your home. The story is told in the New Testament of Jesus attendance at a wedding. In that story, we learn that he performed a miracle, turning plain ordinary water into the very best wine. Please don't take that as an endorsement of drinking as part of marriage. While it is a true story (the Bible says it happened, I believe it, and that settles it for me) it is also a beautiful symbol and a promise of the miracle of a successful marriage with Jesus included as part of the home: Jesus can take the most ordinary things in life, in this case, two ordinary people, and turn them into the most exquisite creation on earth: a truly happy marriage. Not just an ordinary marriage, but the very best, noticeable to everyone blessed to "taste" and view their relationship. Remember, though, that just calling your home Christian, does not make it so: you must make Jesus Christ paramount in your life and marriage. You must live out the golden rule. You must put your spouse first. The world says, "assert yourself, demand your rights", but Jesus says "surrender yourself and your rights" to your partner, and, most likely, they will surrender themselves and their rights to you. I truly believe what Jesus Christ said, "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over shall men give unto you. For with the same measure that you mete withal it shall be measured to you." (Luke 6:38). In fact, practicing the golden rule toward your spouse, Matthew 7:12, is as good a policy to guarantee success in marriage as is available anywhere, as long as both spouses practice it. And for the Christian spouse married to a non-Christian, it offers as good a strategy for winning their spouse to faith in Jesus Christ as can be found anywhere. I recommend it highly.

More to come.....please check back soon.

These are just some of the first things that have come to mind as I sat down to write. There are many more ways to "divorce proof" your marriage. I will be adding to this as I get questions or inspirations. In the meanwhile, please feel free to e-mail me. I promise to answer your questions to the best of my understanding. I have listed some of the many links and resources that are available on the internet.

Yours for a happy marriage,

Tom Fenton

The following links are provided for help in the areas of Marriage and the Family. There are many other helpful websites available, but extreme caution should be exercised in relying on information from questionable groups or persons. Your best resource is your local pastor and church, so long as that pastor and church supports Biblical standards for marriage. Please note that this pastor, and this website DOES NOT support same-sex marriage, and believes it to be a danger to the institutions of marriage and family, and to our safety in the sight of God Almighty.

(Please note also what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah whey they defied God's laws against homosexuality: total destruction to the extent that, as promised by God Himself, no one will ever live there again. Today, no one knows for sure just where the twin cities were located, except that the best guess of scholars is under the waters at the southern end of the Dead Sea.)

Family.org - A website of Focus On The Family, a well-respected organization

FamilyLife.com - Provides numerous links including Christian adoption and other important issue and resources

US Marriage Laws.com - Provides information on legal issues regarding marriage, divorce, etc. Warning: This site provides good information on many areas, but is included here, not as an endorsement of all the content by myself, but for informational purposes only.

Crosswalk.com - Provides help for many issues. Another respected website.

Lifeway Christian Stores (formerly Baptist Book Stores) - Highly recommended

Lifeway Christian Resources - Highly recommended

Christian Book Distributors (aka CBD) located in Peabody, Mass - Bibles and other resources at great savings. - Highly recommended

This page was updated:
October 31, 2008 04:12 AM